Let’s have no more assholes and more emotional intelligence please.
It has become ever more common and even hip to label people “jerks” or “assholes” in the workplace. Robert Sutton, Stanford Professor, capitalized on the appeal of this epithet to make his “No Assholes Allowed.” a best seller. Legitimizing the term and the associated “righteous” behavior is doing you and others real damage. If you and I want a more satisfying work life and a more harmonious world, we need to stop the name-calling and start using more emotional intelligence.
While you may not have said it aloud at work, you may have thought it or secretly confided to a friend, “What an asshole he is,” or discounted someone by saying or thinking, “She’s just an asshole.” OK, so we have all been guilty of similar behavior but that doesn’t make us right, or more effective, or for that matter happier.
Four things that go wrong when you fall into the epithet trap (and five powerful choices):
1. You separate yourself and help create a culture of workplace enmity. With separate thinking there’s a “me” and a “them.” Since you are not “me,” you must be one of “them” and your interests are different from mine. That makes you dangerous to me and I should be on guard. The reality is we share the same planet, we breathe the same air and we had better recognize our mutual interests or we won’t survive, much less have peace. In the workplace we share the same employer, the same overall mission and the same resources, and the same needs, fears and desires. When you label people and promote separation you continually support an adversarial culture. You help reinforce what you describe as a toxic environment - a place you don’t want to be and are only there because you have no choice right now.
2. You waste your resources and have to work harder. Yesterday in a leadership coaching session I asked Larry, a client, to examine his thoughts and feelings about negotiation with another department head. “I just think he’s an asshole, I get angry, and I go away and try to avoid him,” he said. (By the way, I had nearly identical conversations with several new clients recently.) Avoidance is a pretty common tactic but look at the price Larry pays. When he avoids his colleague he deprives himself of the benefit of that person’s expertise and experience and has to go it alone, losing efficiency and costing the organization more. He creates the same loss for the other leader. Then there is the loss of his personal horsepower – his physical, emotional, and intellectual resources. To appreciate the effect, liken yourself to a 100 horsepower engine. On a good day you arrive at work with full power to use. Like the rest of us you have more to do than what you have time for. But, you have an issue with Jill and you avoid her while keeping your guard up because you might have to deal with her, and you invest 20 of your horsepower in the effort. Jill’s not the only challenge at work and so now you are confronted with Bob and similarly invest another 20 horsepower in the effort it takes to maintain that adversarial relationship. Then along comes a situation with that epithet from accounting and there go another 10% of your personal resources. Now you are operating at 50% efficiency. How much easier would you work and life be if you could unhook yourself?
3. You erode your self-esteem. When you depreciate others by labeling them negatively, you violate your own values and behave in a way that is contrary to your intrinsic goodness. Your heart and your higher wisdom know the truth – You are not really separate but part of an organic whole. You are not here to hate but to love. When you behave otherwise, you forfeit your personal integrity and lose a part of yourself. This has a cumulative affect and increases self-criticism, self-doubt and defensiveness. Now when I recognize I am holding on to a negative judgment of someone I feel sad. Sad for the loss of connection and sad with the loss of myself.
4. You forfeit your power and your freedom. As long as “it’s all about him or her or them,” you give away your power and stay emotionally hijacked. You are always operating at the effect of some other’s behavior. You are like Velcro, everything sticks to you. I know, you are going to say, “but is IS about them. They really do behave badly. I am doing fine by myself but they really are behaving like epithets.” It is easy to blame others, especially when they are the boss, and when they have behaved so unconsciously and badly. I understand it is hard to let go. You have a million ways to prove your case, but please consider – You and you alone are responsible for your experience of life. You cannot control their behavior, but you have absolute control over what you think, feel, say and do! And you have an opportunity: By using emotional intelligence to adopt more effective behaviors you can change your workplace and your world while increase your own quality of life!
EQ Tip: Here’s five choices you can make:
1. Choose to go, or stay and be an agent for change. If the values of your workplace are truly drastically different from your own your best choice may be to leave. If you choose to stay in a challenging environment or relationship, choose to be an agent for positive change. The first step in that is to
2. Choose to change yourself. It’s not what happens it’s what you do about it. If you are always reacting to someone then that reaction is about you. Develop your self-awareness to recognize your thoughts and your feelings and what is really driving your reaction. To do that you must give up your fixation on them and make it about you. Try it on for size like Larry did and then
3. Choose to recognize and feel your feelings. Supporting Larry to look deeper than his initial reaction to his colleague, I asked him, “What’s your thought about you?” “What do you think this situation means about you, or how do you think it will affect you?” Larry’s response was “When I believe he is manipulating, I think I may loose my credibility in the organization and I get scared.” Larry’s ability to recognize and name his fear instantly made him more present and resourceful. His ability to recognize how his thoughts and feelings drive his reactive behavior and contribute to the conflict makes him powerful. Now when he engages his colleague he can say to himself, “Isn’t that interesting I believe he’s being manipulative and I’m reverting to that old fear place in me.” Thus empowered he can consciously choose the most purposeful action.
4. Choose to recognize yourself in others. I believe in your intrinsic goodness. I recognize that some people’s antisocial behavior may be caused by physical or mental disease or brain damage, but that is more atypical. What’s true is, the person you are calling an epithet may be ignorant and insensitive, and lack in emotional intelligence but that doesn’t necessarily make them evil. They get scared like you, they are sometimes in over their head like you, and like you they want safety security and happiness. Give up attributing malicious motivation to their behavior. They are just doing what they do. It is not about you, but you may recognize yourself in them for better or worse. Larry, for example, recognized that he himself was sometimes manipulative and hated himself for it. When he was judging his colleague he was judging himself. See the good parts of you in others and acknowledge them for it.
5. Choose to give without expectation. When you’re unhooked from your reactions to people you are free to give, to acknowledge, to validate to support, even when it is difficult and challenging. This consistent practice of emotional intelligence spreads by resonance like a virus. You will absolutely be changing your workplace culture and your world.
Final comments. I don’t want to create for a moment the impression that I am some sort of perfect being and lecturing you on how to be. I am certain that I was the epithet other’s talked about at some times in my work history. I have my own failings and just like you I’m constantly seeking to grow and change. But trust me on this. I listen to you and others like you all week. I notice where they get stuck and understand what gets them unstuck. I notice how awesome they are individually and how amazing they can be together when they are able to transcend limitations and come together in understanding. Please join me in abolishing epithets and developing more of our emotional intelligence. Let’s end separateness in our workplace and our world and enjoy synergy and peace instead.
Joseph Liberti
EQ At Work
Copyright 1998-2007 Joseph Liberti. All rights reserved. Joseph Liberti coaches leaders and coaches to liberate authentic self through the development of emotional intelligence. Feel free to copy and distribute this article as long as you keep this credit. For more excerpts from Joseph's new book visit the True You Blog.
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