Liberating authentic self with emotional intelligence: Be Less Like Twiggy and More Like Popeye
In the 70's Twiggy set the style for models with her twig-like slimness. Marshall McLuhan summed her up with the comment "Twiggy is an X-ray, not a picture." She was bone thin, except for her huge eyes and fat eye-lashes and she turned the desire to be thin to the desire to be thinnest.
Twenty-five years later the death of 21-year-old anorexic model Ana Carolina Reston, who weighed only 88 pounds, jolted the fashion world into action to ban overly thin models. The hospital said the infection that killed the 5-foot-8-inch model was caused by anorexia nervosa, a disorder characterized by an abnormal fear of becoming obese. At the other end of the scale the sad opposite...
From the Islamic Republic of Mauritania, the mirror opposite of the West on questions of women’s weight comes an example of another type of a girl's desire to be different. To men here, fat is sexy. And in this patriarchal region, many Mauritanian women do everything possible — and have everything possible done to them — to put on pounds. Now Mauritania’s government is out to change that.
Socialized Craziness
These are two very sad examples of the seductive insanity of the "socialized self"- who and how we think we need to be to be approved of and to be loved and successful. We have all "bought in" to this craziness in different ways and continue to teach it to others by example.
How Do You Do It?
We do the approval dance in different ways. Here's a refreshingly transparent and powerful blog post that demonstrates some of the ways:
"In the last year it’s dawned on me that possibly everything i do is related to a deep fear of not getting approval and the ways i have gone about getting approval are pretty sophisticated.
When things arent going so well i have lied and covered it up because i dont want friends and family to see that things arent going perfectly for me.
In intelligent conversation i smile and nod convincingly even when i dont understand what’s going on because i dont want people to think i’m not as intelligent as i appear.
I modify how i am in relation to every person i meet so as to pull off maximum approval points.
many times i just dont express myself for fear of not having what i said approved of.
Essentially, what all this has done is reinforced a belief in me that i’m not OK, capable or even real. My own personality has hardly seen the light of day to be approved of or disapproved of (or whatever) because i’ve been covering it up with layers of inoffensive, pleasing self-destroying front.
Not anymore. i’ve got to get over this and be true to myself."
Can you relate? I know I can! I have spent a too large part of my life soliciting approval.
Getting Over It With Emotional Intelligence
So how to "get over" seeking approval? Here's three things to do: Costs versus benefits, practice in authentic being and adopting a mantra.
- Costs/Payoffs: Take a sheet of paper and draw a vertical line down the middle of the page. On the left list costs of seeking approval. On the right lists payoff in seeking approval. (make sure you list both positive and negative payoffs. It will be very empowering.)
For example, my costs have been: I erode my self esteem, I affirm that who I am is not good enough, I set myself up for getting less than I am capable of, etc. . My payoffs have been: I get to stay small and not take risks, I don't draw attention and possible criticism to myself, etc. Write everything that's in you, without judgment or editing. Now review the list and feel your feelings. What is moving you? What is the most purposeful action you can take now? - Practice: If you are committed to taking action create a practice. Start small. Practice for an hour or a day not seeking approval but speaking as authentically as possible. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Or write your next blog or article or ad copy exactly the way you really feel and think. Read it aloud to your self and listen for your authentic voice. Ask someone you trust to give you feedback on their experience of your communication. Accept Yourself and Choose AgainPlease note: We don't change by "getting over" ourselves but by accepting ourselves without judgement. Then we are free to choose again.
- Adopt a mantra. I like to adopt one from the eternally loved cartoon character Popeye who said:
"I am what I am and that's all I am!"
Joseph Liberti
Copyright 1998-2007 Joseph Liberti.All rights reserved. Joseph Liberti coaches leaders and coaches to liberate authentic self through the development of emotional intelligence. Feel free to copy and distribute this article as long as you keep this credit. For more tips on developing emotional intelligence visit Joseph's other blog Emotional Intelligence At Work Questions and comments are welcome at jliberti@gmail.com
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