Emotional Intelligence At Work: The Essence of Connecting
Link: Study Says Chatty Doctors Forget Patients - New York Times.
Doctors are told that they must make a connection with patients. But, Dr. Borkan said, “the instruction is often imprecise — how do you make a connection?” Many think the way to do it is by talking about themselves.
Doing The Form But Not The Essence
Dr. Howard B. Beckman, medical director of the Rochester Individual
Practice Association and an internist who was an
author of the study, analyzed conversations between doctors and patients.
“I’d been saying for many years that disclosure was a form of patient support,” Dr. Beckman said. “If someone says, ‘I have a problem,’ and you say, ‘I understand because I have it, too,’ that would be comforting.” But, he added, “in truth that never happens.”
"Patients were not comforted, he said, and conversations got off track.
Four out of five times when a doctor interjected personal information, the doctor never returned to the topic under discussion before the interruption."
"It was easy to see why doctors thought it was helpful to talk about
themselves. Doctors are told that they must make a connection with
patients. But, Dr. Borkan said, “the instruction is often imprecise —
how do you make a connection?”
Making A Connection
Making a connection requires emotional intelligence. Those who are good
at it are actively using awareness, empathy and emotional expression.
Emotional intelligence enables being in the present. When a doctor is
emotionally self-aware she is present and connected to herself. When a
doctor who is emotionally present gives focused interest to a patient's
emotions he connects with the patient's present experience.
Shared experience creates shared understanding and connection.
You've been there, just reflect on your experience of being with your
doctor or anyone who was emotionally present and genuinely interested
in what you were thinking and feeling. How connected were you?
Personal or Intimate?
Connection also requires a kind of intimacy, and there's a big
difference between being personal and being intimate. Providing
personal information is usually usually about facts and details, is not
present time, and tends to separate rather than connect people. Being
personal can often mean sharing private details that is "more than I
want to know."
Being Intimate is being transparent emotionally - genuinely sharing
your present experience in real time. That makes you real and available
and is very connecting. Consider the statement: "When I think about my
weight, I feel frustrated because it sometimes seems difficult to
manage. What's it like for you?" Contrast that with, "I keep my weight
at around 172 by running." Which statement is more connecting?
Disconnected Completely
I had been seeing the same doctor since moving to town. He was knowledgeable and caring but not emotionally connected. In fact his inability to be aware of and manage his own emotions helped create a major disconnect between us. I typically left his office being guilty for not enjoying better health. Finally I decided to seek other help. My new doctor was very emotionally present and I believe that enabled a new objectivity in my care. We discovered an issue that had gone undetected for years and dealt with it. I am happy to report that I am enjoying the best health I have had in many years.
Connecting Emotionally
I think I understand the challenges a doctor would face. They are very busy, their work can be of a critical nature and people are depending on them. Perhaps you might say that your own work is similar. Whatever your work, you will need to connect with others and whether the context is health or the workplace, remember we are emotional beings. If you want greater connection with me, please connect with my emotional experience.
EQ Tip: Try this to facilitate connection. Ask yourself, "What am I feeling?" "What is he or she feeling?" "What do we have in common right now?"
Joseph Liberti
EQ At Work
Copyright 1998-2007 Joseph Liberti. All rights reserved. Joseph Liberti coaches leaders and coaches to liberate authentic self through the development of emotional intelligence. Feel free to copy and distribute this article as long as you keep this credit. For more excerpts from Joseph's new book visit the True You Blog.
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